Alright, I'm doing my best here, people. Yesterday, after my ranting post on here, I put on my bathing suit and went down to start drowning my sorrows at the pool bar. As I sat there in the sun, I thought to myself, you're sitting at a pool on a hill drinking beer with the sun beating down on you - IN ROME, ITALY! Cut the crap. Things could be worse.
I read a few chapters in the Bhagvahad Gita (an ancient yoga/Hindu text I've been working my way through) and had some time to meditate. I was reminded that the root of all unsatisfaction is desire. Our nature is to always desire something else; something other than what we are and what we have. When I was at home, all I could think about was leaving for Europe. Now that I'm here, all I can think about is going home. What is it that keeps us from simply living in the present; from appreciating what we have? Desire itself is not "evil," of course. I read in the B.G. something about how the wise man absorbs all desires the way that the ocean absorbs all the water. I know it was written much more beautifully than that, but the point is that I need to absorb this desire, not allow it to dominate me. It's ok for me to miss home. It's ok for me to desire a healthy ankle, or a hug from a good friend who knows me, or a chipotle burrito (it's killing me, friends, just killing me). But I need to just sit with those desires. Absorb them. Let them become part of me without letting them jerk my attention and contentment in every different direction. I mean, the main reason I came on this journey was to learn how to know myself, right? I wanted to learn how to be alone; how to be my own best friend; how to appreciate the beauty of solitude; how to celebrate independence. Yes, part of that is frolicking through the streets of Paris writing poetry, and part of it is laughing over beers with some new friends. But part of it is also feeling sad and lonely and empty inside. Those feelings are also a valid part of the human experience. How will I really grow from this trip if I all do is laugh and frolic and drink beer? Even though it's much more difficult, I am trying to accept all of the emotions in the spectrum with open arms, and allow them to teach me.
That said, it certainly helped that I got a new roomie last night and she's pretty cool. She's travelling alone too and was looking for a friend to hang out with while here. Last night, we did our laundry together, got a pizza, and hung out at the bar for awhile. Then we talked in bed for like an hour before going to sleep, just like middle-schoolers at a sleepover. Today, we did a walking tour of the city together, which was fantastic. I finally got my ass into Rome and saw the stuff you're supposed to see. The forum, the pantheon, the colosseum, the trevi fountain, Mussolini's balcony, etc. The tour guide was this total history nerd from America. He was really funny and cool, and made all the ruins come to life before our eyes.
There is still a very big part of me that would like to be home, but I am also starting to accept that I will still be in Europe for 2 more weeks, and that's not that bad. I just have to ease into the walking thing, and spend time icing the ankle every day. It's really not a big deal. I changed my itinerary yet again to spend more time with my new roomie. We'll be together through the rest of Rome, Florence, and La Spezia. But just for good measure, I told her that I'd like to spend tomorrow alone. I want to make sure that I don't cover up all these important emotions and fears with surface conversation with strangers right away. I'm making myself sit with them a bit more. So I think I will go to the big park in Rome tomorrow, and maybe the modern art museum. Art always makes me nice and introspective.
So take a good look at me, because this is what I look like wearing big girl pants.
I read a few chapters in the Bhagvahad Gita (an ancient yoga/Hindu text I've been working my way through) and had some time to meditate. I was reminded that the root of all unsatisfaction is desire. Our nature is to always desire something else; something other than what we are and what we have. When I was at home, all I could think about was leaving for Europe. Now that I'm here, all I can think about is going home. What is it that keeps us from simply living in the present; from appreciating what we have? Desire itself is not "evil," of course. I read in the B.G. something about how the wise man absorbs all desires the way that the ocean absorbs all the water. I know it was written much more beautifully than that, but the point is that I need to absorb this desire, not allow it to dominate me. It's ok for me to miss home. It's ok for me to desire a healthy ankle, or a hug from a good friend who knows me, or a chipotle burrito (it's killing me, friends, just killing me). But I need to just sit with those desires. Absorb them. Let them become part of me without letting them jerk my attention and contentment in every different direction. I mean, the main reason I came on this journey was to learn how to know myself, right? I wanted to learn how to be alone; how to be my own best friend; how to appreciate the beauty of solitude; how to celebrate independence. Yes, part of that is frolicking through the streets of Paris writing poetry, and part of it is laughing over beers with some new friends. But part of it is also feeling sad and lonely and empty inside. Those feelings are also a valid part of the human experience. How will I really grow from this trip if I all do is laugh and frolic and drink beer? Even though it's much more difficult, I am trying to accept all of the emotions in the spectrum with open arms, and allow them to teach me.
That said, it certainly helped that I got a new roomie last night and she's pretty cool. She's travelling alone too and was looking for a friend to hang out with while here. Last night, we did our laundry together, got a pizza, and hung out at the bar for awhile. Then we talked in bed for like an hour before going to sleep, just like middle-schoolers at a sleepover. Today, we did a walking tour of the city together, which was fantastic. I finally got my ass into Rome and saw the stuff you're supposed to see. The forum, the pantheon, the colosseum, the trevi fountain, Mussolini's balcony, etc. The tour guide was this total history nerd from America. He was really funny and cool, and made all the ruins come to life before our eyes.
There is still a very big part of me that would like to be home, but I am also starting to accept that I will still be in Europe for 2 more weeks, and that's not that bad. I just have to ease into the walking thing, and spend time icing the ankle every day. It's really not a big deal. I changed my itinerary yet again to spend more time with my new roomie. We'll be together through the rest of Rome, Florence, and La Spezia. But just for good measure, I told her that I'd like to spend tomorrow alone. I want to make sure that I don't cover up all these important emotions and fears with surface conversation with strangers right away. I'm making myself sit with them a bit more. So I think I will go to the big park in Rome tomorrow, and maybe the modern art museum. Art always makes me nice and introspective.
So take a good look at me, because this is what I look like wearing big girl pants.
(The photos above are me at the Pantheon, me eating my staple food here - gelatto, and me in front of the colosseum.)
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