Nice

Something really important is happening in Nice. In me. Everything I have been learning on this trip is coming to a head. It has been building up, rising inside me like a powerful tide, but it hasn't had a shore to spill out on until now. I would say that I feel like it's coming out, but that's not really accurate, because it's also coming in. It's as though I have been opened up from every angle, and am experiencing life transparently. As though life is happening right through me. I feel it all around me. There is no entrance point and no exit point. There is no "it" and "me," only life in its entirety, existing all at once, in me and outside of me and all through me. I observe it. I let it all soak in, then spill out, then soak in again. I am like my own tide.

Let me pause for a minute to tell you about J.J., the guy in the photo above. Now before you start making things up in your head, just stop. This is not a romance story. This is a story of freedom and inspiration, and so much more than silly travel romance. J.J. is a philosophy student from Toronto. A few weeks ago, he had his passport stolen on the way to Greece. When he tried to dock, the Greek police arrested him, assuming he was an illegal Nigerian immigrant, despite his repeated explanations of his nationality and situation. (They didn't even ask his 3 white travel partners for their passports.) He was thrown into a jail for illegal immigrants. This jail was one long hallway, with about 40 guys in it. There was one light at the end, and a hole where everyone went to the bathroom at the other end. There was no ventilation, no windows, no rooms. The air was full of smoke. The walls were covered in blood and semen. Rats and cockroaches scurried across the concrete at his feet. He was held for 3 days with no explanation, no phone calls, and no rights. He saw people get beat up - badly. He didn't know if he would ever make it out alive. But you should see this guy - he is the happiest person I HAVE EVER MET. EVER. I have learned so much from him, but this is the main lesson he's taught me: If you are going to say yes to any part of life, you have to say yes to all of it. You have to affirm your entire life for exactly what it is. You can't say "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger," because that's assuming that the only purpose for difficulties is to make you stronger. He says you can't love the rain just because it makes rainbows. You have to love the rain for being rain. You have to say "yes," to it all, and love it for exactly what it is, a part of the human experience.

Now back to my story. Most of you know that I have always been afraid of sharks. Really, really, nonsensibly afraid. I was afraid of them in aquariums. I was afraid of them in swimming pools. I have had recurring nightmares about sharks since I was a child. I cannot go in the ocean. The counselor I saw in college thought it had something to do with my feeling of control and safety. I have always had a "slight" control problem (tee hee). The feeling of being in the middle of the ocean at the shark's mercy, in their territory, is the most out of control feeling I can think of. Well, a few nights ago in Rome, I had a different kind of dream about sharks. I dreamt that I was looking for an apartment. I went to see this place that was on a pier jutting into an ocean. I loved it. As the realtor was showing me around, she said "lots of people like to swim from here." But then I saw sharks in the water around my place. She saw me looking at them and said, "Well, yes there are some sharks here. That keeps some people from swimming." I thought about it for a moment, then said in full voice, "No, I think I can handle it. I'll take it." Then I woke up. That is the first dream I have had about sharks that was not a nightmare. Ever.

Today I went to the beach in Nice. Like I said, I don't do well with oceans. Every time I've tried to swim in them, I freeze up. I get so paranoid about what might be around me or under me or coming towards me that I have a near panic attack. Today, I dove right into the water - and topless at that. (Everyone else was too, and it just added to the feeling of freedom.) I didn't even have to tell myself to do it, I just wanted to. I swam very far out without an ounce of fear. I floated on my back with my eyes closed, feeling the warmth of the sun on my bare chest, hearing the sounds of the waves in my ears under the water. As the water moved me up and down with each passing wave, any remnants of fear ebbed out of me. I felt connected to the entire universe. But I did not feel afraid. At all.

So today, I said "yes" to life. All of it.

Oh, and I haven't had a cigarette in 2 days.