when love is worth fighting for

Well, when is it?

My husband and I started talking about splitting up a full year before we actually did. We would get into those same, recycled arguments/discussions about the same things that annoyed the spit out of us about the other one. We'd fight about it, apologize, make up, be happy, and then do it all again the next month. Each time, the discussions went further and further into the maybe-this-isn't-actually-going-to-work territory, until we finally loosened our grip and let go. But each time we considered splitting up, the same question would arise: "Are these just normal issues that all couples go through? Should we just be able to work these out and stop complaining? Or is this the kind of stuff that makes people split up?" I wanted to channel Harriet the Spy from that book I read when I was in 4th grade, and get a notebook and spy on all of my neighbors. I wanted to know the intimacies of other couples' lives. How much do people really put up with? And how do they know when it's too much?

I thought that by leaving, I might gain some clarity about whether our issues really were "too much." But to this day, after 9 months away and a few more guys in between than I'd like to admit, I still don't know if I've made the right decision! I just wish he was some sort of drug addict or abusive asshole, so I could point to that and say, "There! That's why I left!" But he's not. He's actually a really tender, funny guy who did wonderful things for me over the five years that we were together. But for some unknown reason, we just couldn't make each other happy in a permanent sort of way. It just wasn't working. So even though we weren't sure if we were giving up too early, or for the wrong reasons, we said "Enough is enough" and called it quits.

Now I have the same opportunity with another man whom I love very much. (So soon? I know many of you are thinking. Well, love doesn't always give you a choice or work on Dr. Phil's timeline. So it's here now and I'm dealing with it. Judge away if you'd like.) Now I'm asking myself once again, "When is it too much?" I seem to have a faith in love that just won't die, against all odds. It beats me up and I go back for more. It kicks me in the mouth and I turn my face up for a kiss. I just love love, and I want so badly to believe in romance. I want to believe that love is worth fighting for.

I want to believe that sometimes the courageous thing is not walking away. That sometimes the courageous thing is sticking with the relationship and wading through the shit - together. All my single girlfriends seem to have this "I'm not gonna change anything for a man, no way nuh uh" attitude, complete with finger snaps and big don't-mess-with-me eyes. But they are just that - single. When is it ok to be a strong woman who also loves a man? Is it always weak to forgive them when they act like stupid assholes? Is it really that needy to want a man to lean on occasionally? A partner who can be a safe place to fall? If being a strong woman means not needing a man, I don't know if that's a kind of strong I want to be.

I really need to believe that love is worth fighting for. And I hope that someday I will be right.