what loneliness?

There are two kinds of loneliness: loneliness that arises from being alone, and the loneliness that arises from being surrounded by people but feeling alone. The second is much, much more devastating. This weekend, I broke through both of them.

At my gig, I was amazed by how many people came. There were three groups of people in the bar for me. As I was singing, I could see a large group of co-workers and their spouses to my left; smiling, bouncing to the songs, looking so excited to be there. To my right was a group of my room mates and friends, screaming for me, cheering me on with all their hearts. And right in the center were my parents, who drove from Pennsylvania to be there, in a bar, outside their comfort zone, to hear their daughter sing music that they would never listen to otherwise; and also my aunt & uncle who drove up from VA Beach to hear me, even though it was my aunt's birthday and the first time she'd ever spent her birthday away from her own kids. My mom cried with pride for me. My boss came. My room mate's boyfriend said to me, "I didn't want to come hear this hippie music tonight. I was comfortable at home. But you rocked, Mel. I'm so glad I came."

I felt close to my band members. I felt love from every direction. It seeped in through all the little cracks in my being and filled me up, whether I wanted to recognize it or not. I could no longer feel lonely. I realized that although I may not have people in my physical space with me at all times, I am not alone. Not at all. So I made the choice to stop feeling lonely. I made the choice to accept the love.

And now, emboldened by this new knowledge, I am single again. And yes, I realize that I might be lonely as a result of that decision. But loneliness that comes from being without a partner is much more empowering that loneliness that clings to your pathetic spirit even when you're in a relationship. So I'm back to channeling my Europe spirit. I'm feeling liberated, strong, and free. The world is open to me. I'm ready to jump out of planes and dance with strangers and say "yes" to life all over again. I am amazed at the resilience of my own spirit. Hooray for me. Hooray.