Sometimes life can be going just fine. You have just enough to do to fill your time so you're not too bored or too over-committed. You have some good friends for fun times, a boyfriend for cute kisses & long walks, and family for support. You may be in a band, which makes you sound much cooler than you really are. You probably take yoga and are pretty good at it, and maybe you are even dropping some excess pounds. You have a job that is challenging and fulfilling, even on its most stressful days. It's autumn, and the increasingly-chilly air is probably making you want to curl up inside yourself and take comfort in all that you know is good and true in life. Yeah, life can be going just fine. . . until that THING that makes you angrier than a bull with a fresh shot of dart in the ass comes along and takes a big dump on everything. For me, it's a person.
I think I've always had a habit of focusing all of my anger & negative emotions on one person or situation in my life. It's much easier than dealing with the feelings and trying to see what they could teach me about myself. For the past several months, one person has been the recipient of all my pent-up frustration with life; of all my violent thoughts & irrational fears. (Don't waste energy trying to figure out who it is. Those of you that know, know, and those of you that don't, won't.) I usually handle this by just trying to avoid the person - even avoiding just talking about them or hearing their name mentioned. However, this is not always possible. Sometimes I'll hear someone say their name, even if if they're talking about someone else who happens to have the same name, and my blood just curdles inside of me. My intestines wrap themselves into a knot, my lungs seem to drain of air, and all the blood rises to fill my face like a quickly-approaching tide. If I were to actually see this person, I don't know what I would do. I am afraid the ravenous tiger that lives inside of me might just peel my skin back in one slash of its claw, climb out, and devour them with sickening, devilish delight. Sometimes I have dreams about causing them terrible pain. . .
Whoa. Back up the train. This sort of violence from a self-identified pacifist tree-hugger? I seem to have no problem having love and compassion for the poor Iraqis whose country we have decimated with our war, or the Mexican immigrants who are so misunderstood in the desire to provide a good life for their families, or the homosexual community who is so marginalized and judged, but when it comes to someone who is right in front of me - someone who may have wronged me or continues to be a thorn in my side (more like a festering sore growing on my ass), I want to take out my AK-57 (is that a weapon? i don't even know) and do some video-game style damage. I want vengance. I want blood.
I keep trying to rid myself of this negative karmic emotion. I don't want this sort of bad energy in my life. I don't want there to be someone for whom I have such contempt. I have written letters in my journal to this person, sometimes expressing anger, sometimes trying to express love. I have written little vignettes from this person's perspective, trying to put myself in their shoes and understand why it is that they behave the way they behave. None of it works. I just want them to disappear. Not necessarily to have pain or sufferring, but to just - poof - be gone without a trace and without consequence. To perhaps accidentally find the edge of the earth and - whoops! - fall off.
4 comments:
Wow.
I think you have just defined hate.
Just curious - how does the whole forgiveness think work out with you now? Do you think it's good or foolish? I've heard that forgiving someone doesn't release them, it releases you.
I can relate (and so can my son, as you know). I just found these words about mirroring yesterday and were hoping they'd help me.
Anything that annoys you is for teaching you patience.
Anyone who abandons you is for teaching you how to stand up on your own two feet.
Anything that angers you is for teaching you forgiveness and compassion.
Anything that has power over you is for teaching you how to take your power back.
Anything you hate is for teaching you unconditional love.
Anything you fear is for teaching you courage to overcome your fear.
Anything you can't control is for teaching you how to let go and trust the Universe.
-Mastin Kipp
Also, from Shakti Gawain:
Mirroring is based on six spiritual principles:
Everything in my life is my co-creation.
I attract nothing into my life by accident.
Nothing in my life is unrelated to me.
Everything I say, do and feel has an impact on me.
If something is negatively affecting me then it must be mirroring back to me some aspect of myself that needs to be healed.
Life is simply a mirror reflection of my human identities or roles.
Wow these are very thought-provoking comments. Thanks, ladies.
First, forgiveness. I'm not really sure what that means. The word gets used when someone "does something" to you that causes you pain, and you make the choice to "forgive" them, right? Does that mean you say, "I'm not mad at you anymore?" Or "I'm not going to hold this against you?" Both of those things are so abstract and unhelpful. Regardless of your current feelings of anger or petty needs for retribution, whatever has been done cannot be taken away. It cannot be undone. It will be a part of you forever. And it becomes especially difficult to extend this amorphous forgiveness when the person doesn't even know that they've wronged you, or worse yet, knows it but doesn't care or is downright glad about it. In that situation, it seems like holding on to the anger is my only way of saying, "No! This is not ok!" I'm afraid if I "forgive" in the way you're suggesting, it will be like rolling over and giving in to something that is very, very wrong. But yes, I do realize that held grudges and anger only hurt the one who holds those feelings, and rarely even effect their target. Which brings me to my dreams of causing this person terrible pain, I guess. I would never do it in real life, but I just feel so helpless. I feel like I have no outlet to express these feelings, and this person will just continue on affecting my life in a negative way. So I want to scream and yell and break things until the words sits up and notices.
Now, mirroring. Well that's a really scary one. I guess I tend to believe those things, although I didn't realize they had a name. I've always called them "existentialism," meaning that I take full responsibility for everything in my life. My life is what I have made it, and if I am unsatisfied with some part of it, it is my responsibility to change. In this particular situation, I do see a change I could make that would remove this person and the stress they cause me from my life, but I would also lose something else very dear to me in the process. So yes, the mirroring is absolutely accurate for me in relation to my current anger. My actions have absolutely led up to this person's existence in my life, and to their behavior which is causing me such anxiety. I can own that.
But what do I do now? I don't necessarily regret the actions that have brought this person into my life, because the same actions have brought many other good things along with this headache. I want to think of some clever way to end this long stream of consciousness writing, but I can't. So. . . amen.
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