The Things we Put On

I had a great idea for a Halloween costume to wear to my school for today's parade. I was planning to get it all together last night. Then our water was turned off by the water company for a "misunderstanding" about the bill. So instead of costume-preparation, I spent a good part of the evening straightening that out, and had to sleep at boyfriend's place (where there are no costume-making materials) so I could take a shower and brush my teeth. Needless to say, I walked in to school today woefully un-costumed. I was the fuddy-duddy teacher who didn't dress up. :( But my students, in their brilliance, came up with a perfect idea for me - "Melanie! You should be your desk!" The second I nodded in assent, there was a flurry of chaos around me as little hands started taping post-its, pens, highlighters, and paper clips on to every part of my body. They made a great costume for me, and just in time for the parade!

Watching all the kids run around in their costumes at recess today was kind of a trippy sight. There was a fluffy pink princess chasing a cowboy, chasing a jar of peanut butter. Harry Potter was shooting hoops, and there was a jump-roping Sarah Palin. One kindergarten Spiderman gave me (unrequested) lessons on how to shoot spiderwebs from my hands. (He eventually walked away, shaking his head. I think he gave up on me.) All the kids seemed so much more confident today. Just a few tweaks to their everyday appearance, and they were invincible.

It reminded me of something one of my room mate's said to me recently. I think was talking about single-hood, and how badly it seemed to suit me. I was saying how I didn't think I liked being married, but now that I'm single, I realize I'm even worse at that. I was whining about not knowing who I was or where I belonged and waah, waah, waah.

I said something like, "Well, I like you guys and all (my roommates, that is), but I just don't seem to do this single-girl thing as well as you. I don't know if it works for me. I don't think it's me."

Laura said, "Melanie, sometimes you just try things on for awhile - like a costume. You put it on, move around it, and see how it feels. It doesn't have to be you forever. It can just be you right now."

So I was standing out in the howling wind on the field today, watching these superheros and fairies chase each other, and I wondered what things we put on. I guess I'm wearing the single-girl costume now. Boyfriend or not, I'm still "single" instead of "married." (I choose to ignore the "divorced" box.) I'm walking around and talking in it, I'm playing the part. Maybe there's pieces of this costume that will stick with me when I take it off and put on a new one. Maybe this will be my costume for a long time. I guess thinking of this stage in my life as a costume makes me feel a little more powerful; like I can almost fool myself into thinking I'm choosing this state, and I'm still in control.