noisy silence

Tonight I went back to a yoga class for the first time since before Europe - since the beginning of June! It was an introductory night for a level one class (2 levels below what I usually take), so it was very simple. But simple was good for me tonight. There was no flying upside down or flipping up against walls or bending back into twister-like poses. It was more like learning how best to stand, sit and breathe. Excellent reminders.

Regardless of the lack of physical challenge involved, I was challenged to stillness. My mind was quieter than it's been for a long time. This only means one thing - I created more space for noise! It seemed like as soon as I opened my mind up again to the steady breathing and flowing movements, I had all of this empty space. What I should have done with it was allow it to be empty, but instead it filled immediately with worry and self-doubt and fear. In the quiet of that yoga studio, and all the way home afterward, it was as if little demons were just shouting at me. I could hear their sneering comments just bouncing off the open walls of my mind. It made me want to drown them out with the vices I had just left at the door.

I guess you have to kill the aphids before the rose bush can grow. And they're not going to go easily. I keep thinking of that line in a poem (I think it's Dylan Thomas) that says "Rage, rage against the dying of the light."