I've learned something about loneliness these past few months: it's always there. I don't mean this to be pessimistic, it's just an observation. When you've been as used to sharing your every moment with a life partner as I was, every moment without that is lonely. Even when I'm in a crowd of people, I feel like a little island floating around in between them, bumping into some, crossing over onto others, but never becoming part of them. Even when I'm happy - I mean completely happy-excited-full-of-life, I can feel that thin layer of loneliness underneath it all. Sometimes I simply acknowledge it to myself, smile, and continue with my day. Sometimes I let it linger for a little longer as it seeps into my facial expressions and pulls my voice down a bit. (Well, I shouldn't say I let it, it seems to have an agenda of its own.) Sometimes it just completely takes over my mind, body, & soul and drags my lifeless forms into a dark pit where no one can find me.
So, last night before bed, I did what any organized girl with too much time on her hands would do. I made a list.
Things to do when I'm lonely:
write a song
take a walk in the city
take a walk in a park
cook a good meal
buy a new book and read it in one sitting
call an old friend
call a new friend
make a new friend (this is a tough one)
go to an art museum or gallery
go dancing
clean or re-decorate my space
buy new clothes, shoes, or jewelry that will make me look spectacular
yoga
start an art project
write
take a weekend trip
research my next big travel destination (and dream of the money to actually go)
read poetry. . . aloud
find live music
and, just for good measure. . . another list . . .
Things NOT to do when I'm lonely:
start thinking about why I left my husband and romanticizing away the problems we had
rely on boyfriend-of-the-month to make me love myself
sit at home alone and feel sorry for myself
eat heaps of fried food and ice cream
send passive-aggressive texts to boyfriend-of-the-month looking for attention
assume that life will be this way forever
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2 comments:
I totally wouldn't give up the fried food and ice cream...
Haha! Well, I usually don't - that's the problem. I long for the divorcee days when stress made me NOT want to eat! (Remember how we used to be obsessed with those totino's pizza rolls? We always used to eat those and watch chick flicks when we were depressed!)
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