work

All summer, I have been pretending that I don't have a job, all the while telling people that I am a middle school teacher at a progressive Quaker school and I love it. I do love it, but when I saw any work-related emails in my inbox while abroad, I would cover my eyes and archive them for later reading, trying to not even accidentally read the subject line, lest I become interested in what it said. All those emails are still archived, and none of them have been read. My friend in the front office at school has been sending me friendly reminders that I need to write a back-to-school letter to my kids' families telling them what they'll need for school, saying what a great year it's going to be and blah, blah blah. It's due today. I haven't done it. I don't know if I can. I am starting to seriously doubt my ability to return to work.

Don't get me wrong, I do love my job. Teaching is very fulfilling. I missed my students this summer, and I am excited to be around crazy middle-schoolers every day again. I work with some really awesome people, some of whom are my closest friends. We just got a new head of school that I helped to hire, and am looking forward to working for. So why does the thought of walking into that school building make me go instantly naseous? I can't think about getting up in the morning again, and "reporting" somewhere by a certain time like I am owned by them or on some sort of computer-regulated schedule. I don't think I'll mind when I'm actually in my classroom with my fabulous kids, but it's the thought of preparing for that that I can't handle. That is the worst part about teaching. Teachers can never just get up and go to work. They have to prepare to go to work on their own, non-work time. I can never just walk into my classroom in the morning and say, "Ok, it's going to be a great day, what should we learn about?" Each day takes so much preparation, forethought, and research. What if I don't feel like doing that? What if I don't like being on a schedule anymore? What if I think there are more important things in life than having my bookshelves alphabetized and my school board materials neatly hole-punched and in a binder? I don't think teaching is conducive to living in the moment. It forces you to constantly live at least a week in advance. How can I be mindful about the moment I'm teaching if I'm supposed to have next Monday's lesson ready to go already? What if next Monday, I don't think the class would be into that lesson? What if the energy of the room doesn't feel like it meshes with that lesson? What if next Monday is a beautiful day and I feel I need to go spend it in the mountains?

I can't go back to work!! What am I going to do??