dessert

"Did I eat enough to get dessert?" that was my daily dinner question for my mother. It didn't matter what the dinner was, whether it was tacos (which I loved) or beef stroganoff (which I hated - really mom, what were you thinking?), I just wanted to rush through it to get to dessert.

I can't help but see a little of my sugar-crazed, childhood self in me now. As I experience this recent bout of growth, I have been becoming more and more comfortable with being alone. You've read my blog entries - finding my way in foreign cities, finally not feeling cold in my bed at night, rediscovering my songwriting abilities, etc. To the casual observer, I have grown into a downright independent woman - the real, live thing. I walk confidently, speak my mind, love my body, and certainly don't need a man to be happy.

But, if I'm completely, painfully honest, I can still hear that little 7-year-old inside asking, "Did I eat enough to get dessert?" I can't help it. There is still a part of me that thinks I will be rewarded for all of this growth with - what else - a man. That somehow the point of all this introspective solitude is to prepare me to be with another man; to be more successful in my next relationship. I guess it probably stems from my Christian wives-submit-to-your-husbands training from back in the day. The whole, "just look sweet and love God and He will reward you with a husband to take care of you" mentality. (Please, nobody email me Bible verses. I appreciate the thought, but I know them already.) How absurd. How embarrassing.

I am ashamed to think of all the perfectly delicious, nutritious dinners that I didn't even taste, because I just wanted to get to dessert. And you know what the real karma was? I often didn't even enjoy dessert once it came, because I had made myself nauseous from inhaling my meal. I need to learn to love this time in my life for its own, unique perfection, not just as a stopover on the way to something sweeter. Because, the reality is, many meals don't end in dessert. But it doesn't make them any less nourishing, or any less delicious.